February 2021

Well, I know I said that February was my month but I spoke too soon. My world came crumbling down. I lost my beautiful Grandmother. My Mima. Mi Reina. February 8, 2021. This shit hurts so bad every day. I fight every single day to smile and appear to be happy. It sucks being so alone. I guess I should start dating again just so I can feel wanted. I would like to be a man's reason to smile. I want to go on romantic dates and have movie nights and cuddle sessions. It's not even about sex because to be honest, that is NOT what I want or need. I crave affection. Genuine affection. I miss being held and caressed until I fall asleep. Talking on the phone for hours when apart. But I fucked it all up. Jasen was right I guess. I am not worthy of any of that stuff. That sucks so bad because that's all I want. I need someone who will be there for me through all this hell. Be MY support system. Not throw their "sympathy" in my face. I honestly lost a lot of respect for Jasen when he told me that he should've never felt sorry for me or been there for me when Mima died. That's ok though. When its all said and done I will be okay. I have gone through all of my major losses alone. And I will get through this alone. Going home to say goodbye to Mima will be the reset that I need. Being around people who genuinely love me and genuinely enjoy being around me is what I need. I have no one here. I'm all alone. I have gone through Antonio's surgery journey alone. Countless ER visits alone. I have gone through a miscarriage alone. I have gone through losing my cousin who was basically my brother alone. I had to deal with being kicked out of my mother in laws house alone. Now going through this alone. I have no idea why I'm surprised. If I don't hit people up, Mom included, I won't hear from anyone. I have maybe 2 people who will make sure I'm ok and vice versa. I'm good though. I don't have a choice. My kids need me at 100% and they deserve more. I am just so damn lonely. I am not going to go online and look for anyone. I am not going to put myself out there like that anymore. I value my worth way too much now. I need meaningful relationships. Not online hook ups and booty calls. I don't know. I'll be ok I guess. I will focus on this house and work and studying Anatomy so I can get this massage therapist certification. Stack that paper and get myself right. I owe it to myself and to Mima.