The last day if January 2021. The first day of my new life. Alone. Always alone. But this time I am fully content with this choice. As much as I want Jasen I can't have him. That means no more physical contact. That's so difficult for me. I miss his touch. I miss him inside of me. I miss his smell. I miss all of him. I miss his presence. I miss his heart. This hurts so bad! But I have to do this. I need to let go and move on. He did. A long time ago. And as long as he's happy then I'm happy for him. I never want to give myself physically nor emotionally to anyone ever again. I will be alone. It's best that way. This way I won't ever be able to hurt anyone again. And I won't be able to het hurt again. This pain that I'm feeling hurts so damn bad that I can't and won't cry about it. Instead it's the fuel for my fire. When I GLOW AND BLOW UP WATCH THE FUCK OUT! YES INDEED!!! I OWN THIS! I AM alright! I AM amazing! I AM beautiful! I AM going to be just fine! I AM STRONG! I feel as if I'm going to breakthrough at any moment! The best part is I deserve this. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be with someone who is worthy of me and that someone is me! This is going to be difficult but celibacy is the ONLY solution. I for sure need to get some toys now! That will be my own private thing. Time to be stingy with my body. It belongs to no one. She's mine and mine alone. 2020 was a slap in my face and was a huge wake up call. I'm the only one who will ever love me with the passion and the care that I deserve! I put a little bit of makeup today and some jewelry and hell, I look great! I don't look 42, I look fiiiiiine! Like Mary said I like what I see when I'm looking at me when I'm walking past the mirror! Here we go! This is going to be a very bumpy ride! I'm buckling up!
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