February 2021

Well, I know I said that February was my month but I spoke too soon. My world came crumbling down. I lost my beautiful Grandmother. My Mima. Mi Reina. February 8, 2021. This shit hurts so bad every day. I fight every single day to smile and appear to be happy. It sucks being so alone. I guess I should start dating again just so I can feel wanted. I would like to be a man's reason to smile. I want to go on romantic dates and have movie nights and cuddle sessions. It's not even about sex because to be honest, that is NOT what I want or need. I crave affection. Genuine affection. I miss being held and caressed until I fall asleep. Talking on the phone for hours when apart. But I fucked it all up. Jasen was right I guess. I am not worthy of any of that stuff. That sucks so bad because that's all I want. I need someone who will be there for me through all this hell. Be MY support system. Not throw their "sympathy" in my face. I honestly lost a lot of respect for Jasen when he told me that he should've never felt sorry for me or been there for me when Mima died. That's ok though. When its all said and done I will be okay. I have gone through all of my major losses alone. And I will get through this alone. Going home to say goodbye to Mima will be the reset that I need. Being around people who genuinely love me and genuinely enjoy being around me is what I need. I have no one here. I'm all alone. I have gone through Antonio's surgery journey alone. Countless ER visits alone. I have gone through a miscarriage alone. I have gone through losing my cousin who was basically my brother alone. I had to deal with being kicked out of my mother in laws house alone. Now going through this alone. I have no idea why I'm surprised. If I don't hit people up, Mom included, I won't hear from anyone. I have maybe 2 people who will make sure I'm ok and vice versa. I'm good though. I don't have a choice. My kids need me at 100% and they deserve more. I am just so damn lonely. I am not going to go online and look for anyone. I am not going to put myself out there like that anymore. I value my worth way too much now. I need meaningful relationships. Not online hook ups and booty calls. I don't know. I'll be ok I guess. I will focus on this house and work and studying Anatomy so I can get this massage therapist certification. Stack that paper and get myself right. I owe it to myself and to Mima.

My Fresh Start! 2021

The last day if January 2021. The first day of my new life. Alone. Always alone. But this time I am fully content with this choice. As much as I want Jasen I can't have him. That means no more physical contact. That's so difficult for me. I miss his touch. I miss him inside of me. I miss his smell. I miss all of him. I miss his presence. I miss his heart. This hurts so bad! But I have to do this. I need to let go and move on. He did. A long time ago. And as long as he's happy then I'm happy for him. I never want to give myself physically nor emotionally to anyone ever again. I will be alone. It's best that way. This way I won't ever be able to hurt anyone again. And I won't be able to het hurt again. This pain that I'm feeling hurts so damn bad that I can't and won't cry about it. Instead it's the fuel for my fire. When I GLOW AND BLOW UP WATCH THE FUCK OUT! YES INDEED!!! I OWN THIS! I AM alright! I AM amazing! I AM beautiful! I AM going to be just fine! I AM STRONG! I feel as if I'm going to breakthrough at any moment! The best part is I deserve this. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be with someone who is worthy of me and that someone is me! This is going to be difficult but celibacy is the ONLY solution. I for sure need to get some toys now! That will be my own private thing. Time to be stingy with my body. It belongs to no one. She's mine and mine alone. 2020 was a slap in my face and was a huge wake up call. I'm the only one who will ever love me with the passion and the care that I deserve! I put a little bit of makeup today and some jewelry and hell, I look great! I don't look 42, I look fiiiiiine! Like Mary said I like what I see when I'm looking at me when I'm walking past the mirror!  Here we go! This is going to be a very bumpy ride! I'm buckling up!